This entry contains verbal abuses and hurls, and if you cannot tolerate criticism, I'd advise you to not read. And if you're wondering who's 'you', it's just a dummy-term used so as to channel all anger towards only one direction.



天将降大任于斯人也，
必须
苦其心志，
劳其筋骨，
俄气体肤，
空乏起身。



I remember years ago when Jin taught me this poem by 孟子. Thank you Jin, for this poem had kept me lasting till this long, kept me going, and kept me believing. But I think it shall have to end here.



Maybe you think I'm sweating all the small stuff. What's the fuss about '大任’(big missions) with me. You think stressing about meeting deadlines for assignments and securing 'A's for my report card are all that matters in life. No doubt they make up a big part of my life, but ultimately, they are nothing but stepping stones to my destination. My dream. But now, all I see is my dream drifting further away from me.

By the way, I'm not anyone's work machine. I'm not going to say "I'll help you do" anymore. Everytime I say that I feel like lightning will strike me. Maybe because I've been saying that for 2.5 years, that you find it so easy to take it for granted. Like, "Yay, wait for the magic words! (Stupid) May will do it anyway!" 2 and a half fucking years, no gratitude, no thank yous. Nothing. Know why I sound like a total bitch now? Try 2.5 years of tolerating and continuing, but I'll bet a moron like you will never put yourself in others' shoes. Occasionally there are nice people who thank me, and I sincerely thank you back. Don't people ever realise? For every ounce of effort that you have not put in, I put it in. How long do you think I can last? I'm tired ok? Exhausted and burnt-out. For which noone will ever understand. Seriously all I need see is effort, and quality is only secondary. Try telling me 'I don't know' again and you'll really get it from me. Maybe you're being secretly happy, knowing that I'm drowning in misery. Yes, this must be it. Dear God, why don't you make my life easier?

I know I sound totally maniacal, cynical, whatever. But - just this once (maybe). After I relieve myself of this constipation, I'll be able to live normally as before, hopefully even better. Honestly these words have been boiling inside me for ages, ever since stoneage. If I don't get it off my chest, I'll suffocate and die. I'm not anyone's nanny ok? I'm not going to babysit people my whole polylife, and watching people getting grades or the freedom and time they hell don't even deserve. Not even if you get 1.5 for your GPA am I going to pity you. Screw you.

I cannot go through school life alone. Yet, I have friends, who in their world, only have eyes for other friends. 'Friends' who can't even look me in the eye when talking to me. Or are they even talking to me in the first place? I can say 'Let's', but they can only say 'I'. Seriously, why bother. Sure, we're 'friends' when doing reports, assignments and copying of notes, but strangers when it comes to fun and going out isn't it? A person with high EQ has empathy. A person with low EQ has little empathy. A person with no EQ, does not even know he/she doesn't have empathy. I don't care if you think I'm one of those with low or no EQ, because then there will be many out there whom are just like me. Like you.

Ok! Word-vomitting session over. Finally able to have a good night's sleep.